Never enough

Author:Bianca Hsiao

“To humans belong the plans of the heart,

but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue.” 

 Proverbs 16:1

I was in my early twenties when my church’s Sunday school Bible teacher asked me if I would marry a pastor or someone that worked in church full-time. 

I immediately answered, “Of course not! I would not want to”. 

In my heart, engaging in God’s work was necessary, but the amount of engagement was crucial to me. I wanted to do enough to not feel guilty, but not too much that I would have to lay down my own desires and let God tell me what to do.

When I turned 23, God showed me that He was directing me to go to Taiwan for missions. Even though I would have never wanted to marry someone that was in ministry full-time; now, here I was packing to go to the other half of the planet to enter into missions because God told me so. I knew my time in Brazil was coming to an end. It was a bittersweet moment for me. It was really hard for me to say goodbye to my dear family, friends and hometown. However, I was so excited because it felt like an adventure for me: to be able to make a decision to do something that I would have never wanted to do before because God has changed my heart.

I moved to Taiwan for missions. I became a part of staff at YWAM and served full-time in different kinds of ministry – mercy ministry in a handicap center, a convalescent home, and schools; evangelism on the street; sharing testimonies and messages in churches; intercessions; teaching English lessons, etc.  

I did so much, but I felt like it was never enough. “Why”? I thought to myself.   

Then, I noticed that when I came into the world of missions, I did not only bring my physical luggage with me but also my own expectations of what a missionary should be like: someone who would love God more than others, read the Bible every day, evangelize every second, never say no, wake up everyday at 5 a.m. to pray; someone who had the faith to move mountains; someone who would be good in relationships, good in preaching, good at leading a small group; someone who could intercede and people would be healed; someone who would sacrifice and sin less than other Christians; someone who would be able to lay down their rights; someone who could live in poverty; someone who could lead worship; someone who would be willing to die for Jesus … I could go on. Ultimately, this was someone I could never measure up to.

In the first few years of my service, I had a few health problems that would often hinder me from participating in ministry. Either I needed to rest or I had to stay back because of pain while my team members would go serve during outreach. For two years, I had constant visits to doctors due to different illnesses, and I had to go through physical therapy to recover my neck and shoulders from an injury.  

During this time in Taiwan, God, in His grace, allowed me to get to know a gentleman that was serving full-time in missions. And even though I had said I would never marry a full-time minister, I fell in love with him and we got married. God started to heal me, and my health started to improve. I think one of the reasons was because I was experiencing grace through my husband’s life, and I was understanding what it meant to be loved not because of what I could do but because of who I was. 

After 5 months of marriage, God blessed me with a little girl. During the pregnancy, I was in bed rest for the last trimester due to early contractions. While in bed rest, I had plenty of time to reflect about life. That was when my eyes were open to the fact that health problems are not necessarily a hindrance to the work of God. I believe God allowed this for a reason. Something I learned through this process was that my initial motivation to thrive in the mission field was to do something for God. When I first entered into missions, I was so work-oriented and worried about how much I could do for God. I wondered if I was pleasing Him, or if I was doing enough to be approved by Him. But this is not His heart. He loves us even if we do not do anything for Him.

I do not know if it is just me, but I believe many people put missionaries or people that serve in ministry full-time on a pedestal. Maybe this is one of the reasons why we, while serving in ministry, encounter so much pressure, both from ourselves and from others. I believe many people do not consider entering into missions because it seems like something that only super-Christians could do. 

However,

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” – Matthew 28:19,20

It’s not a choice whether you should share His gospel or not. It is a commandment. It is a must. Maybe there are different settings in which to serve him, depending on how God is calling you to live our life for Him. But God has called each of us to be a missionary.

Serving God “full-time” is something that every Christian is supposed to do, whether in the working field or as a full-time missionary. We do need Jesus’ grace and salvation as much as anyone who has never heard of Him. It is learning to preach the gospel to ourselves every day, reminding ourselves of His salvation as we learn to preach the gospel to others.

I believe God cares more about our hearts in wanting to be an instrument in His hand and our zeal toward His commandment than what profession or lifestyle we choose. For as we learn to obey Him, He will lead us toward the choices He wants us to make.

Many times we have plans for our own lives, just like I had when I was in my early twenties, but they were not God’s plans for me. Looking back I can say that God’s will does prevail, and I also can say that God’s way is beyond what we can imagine or dream of. It is so much more. 

This could just be another post that you skimmed through. Maybe you are already starting to forget what you just read. But I would like to challenge you, if you are willing, to quiet down for a few minutes in God’s presence and let Him speak to you.

“In their hearts humans plan their course,

    but the Lord establishes their steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

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Hello, My name is Bianca Hsiao , A Taiwanese girl who grew up in Brazil since childhood, is now serving with my husband in Taiwan.